The Power of Accepting Yourself – Michael Cohen, published Bookline and Thinker
Albert
Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) considers that
one of the problems with the human condition is our sense of unworthiness. We overcome this by achievements, raising
our self-esteem with good grades, good style, beautiful houses, and working to
please others. In The Power of
Accepting Yourself Cohen distinguishes between this rated self-esteem; and self
worth, where we feel good about ourselves simply for who we are, not for
what we have achieved.
Self worth
is all about being able to make mistakes, to not look great all the time, to
not do our best in every moment and still feel comfortable with ourselves. Isn’t this rather de-motivating though? Not when you consider that low self worth
leads to common conditions like anxiety and depression, two of the most
de-motivating of human conditions.
Oprah
Winfrey said ‘Lots of people want to ride with you
in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when
the limo breaks down.’ Quite, but in my experience, it’s often us
telling ourselves our friends won’t want to be with us on the bus, whereas
really they would be happy to. In other
words, we don’t want to be on the bus with ourselves.
Cohen’s book talks about Unconditional Self Acceptance and
how we can recognize that we all (yes all) have shortcomings and that nobody is
perfect. Case studies help to
illustrate how we can be way too hard on ourselves and set ourselves
unreachable goals and standards that we cannot meet. Following REBT closely, Cohen helps us to understand how we do
this through holding irrational beliefs ‘ I must give a perfect speech, if I
don’t it will be awful and I couldn’t stand it’. He teaches us how we can become aware of these beliefs, how to
test their realism and how to decide whether to hold on to them or not.
In his work as a hypnotherapist,
Cohen has clearly worked with clients who present with the types of issues that
you or I might have, and a cross section of case studies are outlined in the
book. Attending the school reunion; the
break up of a relationship; giving a speech; taking a driving test; worrying
about our ability to take a University course.
The case studies neatly illustrate an underlying common feeling that we
are not good enough, or that somehow everyone else could cope better than us.
These underlying common feelings
are often, Cohen points out, irrational beliefs that aren’t doing us any
favours. The more perfect we think we
must be, the more we are likely to fail.
It’s common, he says, to have irrational beliefs. When we learn to notice them and challenge
them, we usually feel a whole lot better, and when we feel better, we interact
better with the world around us.
What I like about this book is
that it held my attention easily. As a
book, it is accepting of the human condition.
Self-help doesn’t need loads of theory and hundreds of exercises. The book accepts itself for what it is,
keeping things simple. The range of
advice and exercises Cohen provides is both plenty and not too much. There is variety here that allows you to
practice and develop tools for relaxation, for self-awareness, for new ways of
thinking and for new routines. The
exercises all complement each other, and they all stand-alone too.
But don’t be fooled into thinking
that the simplicity of this book rests on a simple theory. REBT has, since the 1950’s, played a major
part in the development of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which is now commonly
used as a short-term therapy. This book
is a good introduction to what therapy really is about. Modern therapy is not about ‘being
analysed’, but about training us in self-analysis. Once we know what we are
doing, we can change it. A contradiction? Not if what we need to change is our belief
that we need to change.
